Last week I took my last 80 cigarettes (to those of you who can’t do math, that’s four packs) to the office of one of my favorite professors, told him I was quitting, handed the cigarettes to him and asked him to please dispose of them for me since I would no longer be needing them. He gladly ripped them in half and tossed them away. Now I’m wishing that he hadn’t.
It’s been six days since I first attempted to quit and already I’ve smoked about two packs of cigarettes. While this is actually pretty good considering that I’m a pack-a-day smoker, my fragile self-esteem has taken yet another blow as I have come to the realization that I’m weak and have absolutely no will-power.
My friends and family are all really glad that I’ve decided to consciously try to kick the habit but I think that they’re getting frustrated with me because they were hoping that I’d be done with nicotine for good by now. I don’t think they realize how hard it is to actually fully quit, especially when not only am I addicted to nicotine but I also have a need for some sort of stress-relieving habit in my life.
My real issue is that I don’t want to quit for myself, I want to quit for others. I want to quit so that my friends will stop bugging me about it and so that I can have a chance to date a non-smoker (and one non-smoker in particular). I know full well that it’s bad for me, that it can and probably will kill me, that it’s expensive, etc. Yet, something within me still really enjoys it and wants to keep doing it.
And therein lies the dilemma: how can I convince myself that this particular non-smoker and my friends are more important than what *I* want? A puzzlement, to be sure.
Wish me luck. I’ve only got one cigarette left and I probably won’t be able to go out and buy more anytime soon.
Maybe this time cold turkey will stay cold turkey.
